What's a girl to do when her darling husband can't/won't/doesn't get out of bed all day? What's a girl to do when she has to be to work at 8 but all she can think is, "But if I leave that early, how can I be sure that he's going to go to work today?" What's a girl to do when her husband is adjusting to new medication, has a love/hate relationship with his job, and seems to think that using drugs will somehow "help him feel better?"
Luckily, my hubs, let's call him Jim, has agreed to forgo his "natural" cure for depression, c@nn@bis, until we at least try to adjust his traditional medication of anti-depressants. I just can't wrap my head around the idea of medical m@riju@n@ for anything besides cancer patients. It is apparently gaining credibility and use in California, but I'm reluctant to jump on the weed wagon until I've seen some cold, hard, research-proven facts. (But alternatively, it is a natural substance, that has been used for over a hundred years for the treatment of melancholia aka depression... who's to say that man-made brain altering chemicals are better for you than found in nature brain altering chemicals?)
It is pretty hard to see him so depressed that he can't get out of bed, when I know that one tiny dose of c@nn@bis will help him feel functional, happy, appropriately emotional and not at all "buzzed" or high (according to him.)
What's a girl to do when it's time to leave work for the day, but she doesn't want to go home?
I love my husband and I truly believe that we'll be able to move past this dark patch of life but some days I feel utterly alone and that my strength is waning. I know that Jim wants to get better and in some of his better days he has articulated to me that he is sorry for the pain and sorrow he causes me. (Note: He just called me in tears, saying "I'm sorry," over and over. It's heartbreaking the pain he's in and the guilt he feels for putting me through this hell with him.) I don't blame him AT ALL. I know that depression is a disease and that treating it is often a lifelong struggle. I also knew what I was getting myself into when we got married. But...
there are days when I want to run away.
3 comments:
I love that you wrote this. My husband has problems with anxiety and depression and I suspect he is back in "the rut" again. Yet when I ask him if he needs to go back on meds, or maybe go talk to the doctor he gets really defensive and blames his problems on me or work.
I also want to run away. I feel like life could be so much more level and easier sometimes.
That sucks. My ex-husband had untreated depression, refused to get treatment, and eventually I couldn't take anymore. Of course there's more to the story but I remember how hard that was.
Why don't you want him using the "natural" method? Just for legal reasons, or other reasons too?
I'm so sorry that you're going through this! My husband and I are both bipolar, so there's a whole lotta crazy in our house.
I have a friend whose husband is bipolar. She said that she was going to have to leave him, but he did finally seek counseling and medication. I wouldn't have blamed her if he continued. The spouse of someone with a problem has a certain amount of responsibility for their OWN life, not just their partner. At my house it's a balance between who's feeling better at any given time. We do have an agreement to be firm about "encouraging" the other to get help if things get bad.
My opinion on medication is that everything is chemical, man-made or not. The man-made stuff has the added benefit of quality control. I take lithium, which is a natural salt, but I get it from a company monitored by the FDA (as flawed as they are) so I know what's in it. MJ is a hallucinogen and I would worry about what it does to my brain. And I agree with you about the research.
I also take omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil capsules). They're supposed to help. But I take them in addition to my "meds."
I don't know if this is helpful. Come on over to my place if you want to chat. Wishing you the best!
Post a Comment